Should Non‐Monogamy Be Consensual?

ABSTRACT

Non‐monogamists sometimes defend their practices on the grounds that, unlike cheating, practices like polyamory are consensual. I argue that advocates of non‐monogamy should not be satisfied with this consent‐based defense. The slogan ‘non‐monogamy should be consensual’ concedes too much to the hegemonic presumption of monogamy – that is, the idea that monogamous expectations of sexual and emotional exclusivity are the right default setting for romantic relationships. I consider the three most plausible readings of the slogan ‘non‐monogamy should be consensual’: that the consent involved is something like sexual consent; that it applies to the relationship as a whole, and not to the non‐monogamy in particular; and that it is necessary for releasing someone from a promise or commitment of monogamy. I argue that none of these readings should be acceptable to someone who rejects hegemonic monogamy. I then sketch what a positive alternative to hegemonic monogamy might look like.